Lately...

I usually don't post much about my feelings on here, but sometimes its good to let it out. We are doing fine. More like great. But gosh, I've got a case of the blues or something. I don't know if its been the gray and dreary weather (that is improving by the way...lots of sun today) or if its the uncertainty of our life in the next 2 months (graduation cap & gowns have been ordered), but I have been pretty bummy or like we Hispanics like to say tener flojera. Major flojera. And it bugs me! I'm only taking TWO classes this semester and it has been so hard for me to actually go. Isn't that pathetic? I'm doing well in my Aural Rehab class but Speech Science is KILLING me. I hate it! Yes, I said it. I have nightmares about not passing and not being able to graduate and then having to wait until next winter semester to retake the class. Isn't that about the worst possible nightmare you could imagine? For me, it is. Anyway, that's just one part of my bumminess. Usually, I'm really good about keeping our place super duper clean and organized. It has gotten more challenging with Rue, but she's a pretty clean dog. I love cooking, but have been struggling to meal plan and cook as often or as yummy as I usually do. I've been slacking on keeping up with family and friends as much as I like to and should. For the most part, this is not something that I struggle with. For some reason, I haven't completely given up on trying to dress nice, doing my hair and putting make up on. This is the first thing that goes out the window when I'm stuck in a rut like this this. I know I might sound like I'm complaining and that these things aren't really a big deal, but for me they are. I can't help it.

I'm only taking 2 classes, working part-time (work can sometimes be more stressful than at my previous job) and I feel like I'm falling apart. Not cool. I think (more like I'm pretty sure) it has a lot to do with my subconscious that is really freaking out about not knowing what's going to happen after graduation. Blaine committed to the Dealersocket position where he'd be traveling a lot, but we can always back out if we find something else before then (which is what we're hoping for). I know that I should be more grateful because this job offer is really good. The compensation is above average for finance graduates, there is a ton of room for advancement in the company, and this would be seriously awesome experience for Blaine. I just don't want to deal with being away from him so frequently. Anyway, I feel like my mind is racing 24/7 thinking of endless questions like "what about if this or that happens? " or "gosh I'll miss Blaine a ton" or "I can start packing already, but no, how about if we stay in Utah?", "How much will moving costs be?" (a lot more than we thought), "If we stay, should we move to the city?", "Should I apply to grad schools?", "What about kids?", "I just want to go to the beach and stay there forever", "Do I look for another job in Utah that's better if we stay?" and the questions go on and   on and     on and            on. Even if we do really do this Dealersocket job (which looks like a huge possibility right now), we still won't know where we will be living until Blaine's training is done. That's another 3-4 months of worrying. I guess I'm scared. I'm a worrier - that's for sure.

So our life is good. I am happy. I promise, I am. And I'm really trying to enjoy what could potentialy be our last months in Utah. I'm just worrying my head off and that worry paralyzes me. Thank goodness that I still manage to go out for runs quite a bit. I think I like running so much because I think of NOTHING while I'm running. I have never thought of nothing before! It's awesome! I just focus on breathing, the music in my ears, and telling the legs under me to keep on going. Reading also helps me relax, but sometimes its so tempting to get lost into a book and that doesn't help my case of keeping the house clean. I know - hard life.

I think that my worrying is just a matter of faith. I need to worry about the things that I can change and control, put my trust in God and forget about the rest. So I know what I have to do; it's just really really hard. Like-a-lot-harder-than-I-thought hard. I love this graphic that I found on a blog and made it the background of my phone today. I hope that it serves as a good reminder to "Hey Daylin, take a chill pill. You're immensely blessed."

Anyway, just wanted to get that down. I love using the blog to journal events in our lives, but I guess it's just as important to remember how we are feeling. And this is definitely how I am feeling right now.